pushbackthedarkness | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

For the first time in a very long time, Marcus is wonderfully nervous.

Since five this afternoon, he's been trying to get ready for tonight without rushing through it, just to give himself something to do other than stare at the clock. He showers late, takes a bit of time in front of the bathroom mirror fixing his hair and beard, then spends a full half hour in his bedroom trying to pick the proper outfit for his first real date, possibly ever. They're going to Hideout after dinner, so he ends up with something casual, a pair of dark jeans with a dark red t-shirt on under his light jacket.

He thinks he looks good. At this point he has absolutely no idea.

Sabrina hasn't teased him too much about this, although Marcus suspects Salem of looking especially smug. Even his meows have a particular I told you so quality to them that Marcus is sure he can hear. Still, it's not as if they'd been wrong in the end. Nor Neil. He's never going to hear the end of it.

Just after six thirty, he finally gives up all pretenses of being calm and climbs into the truck, heading for the Bramford. He's picked a place for dinner that's light, but doesn't lean heavily on its drink menu, wanting to make sure Dan didn't feel uncomfortable. Hideout is undeniably a place for music above all else, but they do serve a lot of alcohol there, too, and he's just hoping the band will be enough of a distraction.

He's early, of course, and he turns off the truck and then sits outside by the curb for a few minutes before realizing Dan probably already knows he's there. Huffing out a soft laugh at himself, Marcus gets out of the truck and heads for the front door of the building.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Paying their cover gives Marcus a moment to digest that, to really think of the implication of it, and he feels foolish all over again, knowing he very much deserves every bit of the hell he's going to catch from Neil and likely Kat for all this. He had been so prepared all over again to just descend into the life he'd been told was for him, one of separation and loneliness, and he'd refused to acknowledge there might still be some happiness in the world for him in the form of a connection like this. But Dan is right. He feels... connected. And open.

"Well, then," he says, taking Dan's hand once their cover is paid and leading him inside. "Best keep my thoughts clean for now, yeah?"

He grins as he says it, looking over at Dan with that teasing smile before bringing him over to a table further away from the bar. The band has already started and it's loud in Hideout tonight, but not so loud they won't be able to enjoy themselves, especially if they stick with their table rather than venturing out onto the floor where dozens of people are standing around the stage.

"Bit of a dive, I know," he says, gesturing to the walls and even the table, plastered with band posters and stickers. "But they've got some of the best live music here."

"I wouldn't say you have to keep them entirely clean," Dan says as they head in, and responds with his own warm, curling smile that he can feel unfold right to the tips of his fingers.

He takes the place in, the smile remaining on his features, as he recognizes how much Marcus likes the place. "I don't mind a dive," he's sure to tell Marcus. "Especially for the right reasons."

The right reasons are all on display as he slides into one side of the booth, and then makes room for Marcus. They might be paying attention to doing things right, but this seems right to him, to enjoy the music and the night pressed up against his date's side. He looks up at Marcus, warm and inviting, and gestures him over.

He's brought people here before, but they had all been friends, people whose company he enjoyed certainly, but no one who makes his heart feel as if it's doing something terribly clichéd like skipping a beat. Bringing someone to Hideout has always been a little bit like showing someone a part of him he tends not to give as much attention. This isn't the exorcist side of Marcus, which is all he's ever been for such a long time. This is the side of him that might have had a chance to flourish, if not for his parents and the Church. He feels a bit shy, sharing this place, but he's still glad he has.

Slipping into the booth beside Dan, he sits close, their thighs pressed together, and he settles back for a moment just to enjoy the band.

"These people met through another singer," he says, leaning in so Dan can hear him. "Beautiful singer, she had a lovely voice, and she got this band together before realizing she had a better chance as a solo act. No hard feelings, though, these musicians were just grateful they'd found each other through her. They're rather amazing for having only been together a year or so."

Dan doesn't usually find himself in places like this-- the bar factor, of course, and the sheer amount of people with loud thoughts. But just as he'd suspected, and happily so, once he's all tucked in against Marcus, the other people are gentle background noise in his head.

It occurs to him that he can be upfront about it now, and so he is.

"They sound great," he says first, because they do, and it makes him remember that he had liked singing, before he really lost track of himself. "Hey, can you-- give me your hand, or something? Helps with the people noise. Helps with more than that, but I just want to be focused on you and the music."

It must be difficult, all those thoughts around him, inevitably just swarming through the air like flies, and Marcus doesn't know how Dan does it, how he keeps himself sane and grounded with all that noise going on around him, but if there's something he can do to help, he's not going to refuse. Besides, it isn't as if touching Dan is any sort of hardship.

Under the table, almost shy in his movements, Marcus reaches to take Dan's hand. He threads their fingers together slowly, the act somehow more intimate that he had anticipated, then rests the back of his hand on top of Dan's thigh. They're just holding hands, he's done as much with others, but it still feels different than it ever has before. Electric.

"Happy to help," he says softly, still leaning in toward Dan, ostensibly so he can be heard, but realistically because he simply likes being near him.

It would be a smooth line, maybe, if it weren't so true.

Dan immediately relaxes as their fingers lace together, and when he feels Marcus leaning in, he does so as well until he's made contact that way too, a warm line down the side of his body. "It's... crazy to me, that I can just ask for that now. That I have someone I can ask for it."

Watching to see if it's too much, he leans his head against Marcus's shoulder a bit, sighing softly. He really hopes it isn't too much, and he doesn't think it will be. It's just that, as he'd said, this isn't something he's been able to have.

Marcus doesn't even want Dan to have to ask. All of this is still rather new to him, the idea of being in a relationship, and he knows he hadn't been the best partner to Dutch or Matthias. Learning how to be with someone had been a challenge, especially after having been alone for such a long time, and he knows there are countless places where he had failed. There are probably going to be countless places where he fails here, too, but he wants to try. He wants to be better.

"Feel free to ask anytime you want," he says and while his focus is on Dan, he's watching the musicians on stage. It's rather a perfect soundtrack for a first date, he thinks. "But I'll try to make sure you don't need to ask."

It's not the best promise he can make, but he will. He'll try.

"You're going to be just fine," Dan tells him, because the thoughts are big enough to bubble over. "Already my favorite."

Is there something to the fact that he feels so much more open and easy affection with Marcus? He'd been okay with it, in the past, most of the time, with the women he'd dated, but it had been easy to feel startled or suffocated. And he's not going to feel that here, he thinks.

He knows.

"In some ways, this doesn't really feel like a first date," he says. "But like we've been doing this for a while."

"It does feel... easy," Marcus agrees. That isn't quite the word he wants, but he's not sure how else to explain it. With Dan, he'd felt a connection right from the start and while Marcus has never had any particular trouble making people feel as if he genuinely likes him, real connections have always been a bit more difficult. He keeps people at a distance so as to not let them get hurt, he's done it ever since Mouse, and he knows it isn't only that experience that's caused it. The abuse he suffered at his parents' hands and in homes made it easier to not care for others.

But in Darrow, it's gotten a little easier with time. In Darrow, people have gotten something more genuine out of Marcus and he's come to love many of them. With Dan, that feeling of closeness had happened almost instantly.

"I'm honestly not sure I've ever had a proper first date," he admits. "So this... even if it doesn't feel quite like one, is still something new. I like it."

Dan catches the drift of thoughts, the gentle spill of it, and squeezes Marcus's hand. He knows what it's like, to need to stay at a distance, to keep everything orderly, locked away if it's too dangerous. He remembers how long it had taken after the Overlook not to feel as if any stray thought might worm into his brain, try to hurt him.

It has to be the exorcist thing, he thinks, and by that he means whatever made Marcus able to do great and terrible things for God, that special quality was already there. Just honed now.

"We'll do lots of them," Dan says. "I'd like to go back to the beach, or we could go to the movies. I'll come cook for you."

"Do you cook?" Marcus asks. "Well, then I'm certainly keeping you around."

It's teasing, of course, but he's surprised by the ease with which the words come. Yes, he's teasing, but he finds he means them all the same. If Dan wants to be around, then Marcus is going to want him there, and he doubts very much there's going to be anything that changes that. Even if they had never kissed, even if this date had never happened, he would have wanted Dan's friendship. Anything he was willing to give.

"This place has fantastic parties sometimes. I'd like to take you," he says, leaning in, brushing his lips against Dan's temple. On the stage the band starts up a particularly heavy song, one Marcus can feel right down in his chest, the vibrations of the bass singing in his bones, and he closes his eyes to enjoy it. This is as close to a perfect moment as he's had, he thinks, with the music in his body, Dan's hand in his, his lips still brushing Dan's skin lightly.

"I've always gotten by, but I might even be a good cook if I had someone else to feed," Dan says, which is true. Simple things, but in that wisp of a notion of what life might be, should he keep on this path, he can see learning.

He's not surprised to find that the idea of Marcus taking him to parties, something he'd usually avoid for dozens of reasons, doesn't seem like something he wants to avoid. "You'll have to stay close enough to touch," Dan says, half a warning and half a promise. He feels a little giddy, like his skin is buzzing. He lets his thumb stroke the back of Marcus's hand, and falls quiet so they can both feel the moment, the world around them and the connection between them.

It's good. It's really fucking good.

"I think that's a fair trade off," he agrees softly and through the music and everything else around them, he feels a buzz of anticipation. This very thing that he'd imagined would never happen for him again is happening right here, right before his very eyes, and almost as if beyond his control. As if something led him right here without his having realized at all.

It's a rather incredible thought.

When the band is finished, the bar begins to empty out, although only for a little while. There's another act and people are going outside to have a cigarette or chat with their friends. Others are heading to the bar for another drink, but there's nothing there for them. Dan doesn't drink and the food here is rather terrible, so Marcus squeezes Dan's hand and leans in again.

"Would you like to head out?" he asks. "We can take a walk or..." Or he's not sure what.

Dan lets himself drift a bit, mentally, still reeling from the novelty of being able to do such a thing, of being emotionally and psychically capable of trusting another person this way, of trusting himself this way.

He meets Marcus's gaze and gives a little nod. "Yeah, I was thinking maybe you could come back with me to my place for a bit. I'll clear out the ghosts, promise."

Not the night, he thinks they both want to hold out a little longer, feel the anticipation, but he thinks some time spent pretending to watch a movie (assuming they get that far) would be the way to cap the evening.

Marcus doesn't think either of them are ready for him to spend the night, not quite yet, but he very much likes the idea of going to Dan's for at least a little while. Ghosts or not, there's something terribly appealing and simple in going home with Dan after a date, even if all they really do is sit on the couch together.

He has a feeling that isn't going to be all they get up to, but he also doesn't want to presume.

"That sounds good," he says as he slides out of the booth without letting go of Dan's hand. The drummer from the band they've just seen recognizes him and she smiles, giving a wave, her expression brightening a little when she sees that Marcus is clearly on a date. He grins at her and waves back, then looks to Dan. "I think that sounds like a really nice way to end the evening. With or without the ghosts."

Dan wonders, briefly, if Marcus knows how many warm thoughts are directed in his direction-- not just because he's objectively charming and kind and handsome, but because he inspires that warmth in other people. It doesn't seem like a first date revelation, however, and Dan has other things on his mind.

Other things like getting back to his apartment with Marcus in tow, and then inside, but not before telling a couple of spirits to take their routine upstairs.

Other things like closing his door, locking it, and immediately crowding Marcus up against it, kissing him eagerly. He's waited all evening, very patiently, and he wants more now.

As the door closes behind them, Marcus has a feeling they're not going to make it as far as the couch, at least not at first, and he's very comfortable with that. Dan presses close to him and Marcus leans in to meet his mouth in an eager kiss, one that feels as good as it sounded when Dan asked him to come back here. Whether the ghosts are hanging around or not, Marcus would never know, not with as wrapped up in this moment as he is.

Dan's mouth is warm beneath his and Marcus's lips part, his tongue exploring as a shuddering sigh slips out of him. It's so simple, just a wonderful kiss against Dan's apartment door, but he's been missing this. The perfect simplicity of just kissing someone he cares about. How warm it can make him feel, how important.

"Here, just..." He pauses, grinning against Dan's mouth, then pulls his hands back to shake his jacket off. Then he's touching Dan again, one hand on his jaw, the other at his waist, diving back into the kiss.

The feeling he gets as he kisses Marcus feels a lot like finally getting his hands on a glass of cold water after a long shift, like some part of him that's been left thirsty and neglected is finally getting what it needs, in a way that's deep and sweet and feels like growing.

He takes the opportunity to get his own jacket off as Marcus does, so that it's thin layers of cotton between them, neither too fast or too slow, just right. His own hands come to rest on Marcus's sides, feeling him breathe, pressing in slightly on his ribs.

It's worth the wait, and he knew it would be. Dan presses closer, caught up in the warmth of him, the way their open mouths come together again and again.

Marcus already knows he loves the way Dan kisses. In some ways it's hard to believe it was just the evening before they'd done this for the first time when he feels like he's already known Dan somehow for much, much longer than that, but he doesn't want to rush anything. His thumb smooths along the line of Dan's jaw before his hand glides along the side of his neck, then down to rest against the front of his chest. With his hand there, he can feel Dan's heart beating, the steady thumping behind his breastbone.

He feels so familiar. Marcus has no idea how that can possibly be, but he does, and it's not a feeling he's going to waste.

They haven't even made it beyond the door, but Marcus is in no rush to go anywhere. His fingers curl under briefly, holding onto the material of Dan's shirt before they relax again and he presses a shorter, softer kiss against his lower lip before going in for another, deeper one.

Dan pauses then, warmth seeping into his chest in the shape of Marcus's hand, and he finds himself nodding. "It's like the strangest deja vu, isn't it," he murmurs. "I've know for a long time there were other worlds. I've known that people move onto to different places, but I didn't think-- maybe that's part of us, we've done this before or we'll do this again, or it's happening somewhere else too."

The philosophy doesn't throw him off his game; not when he's got all of this warmth anchoring him, the shine actually feeling like something beautiful for once.

"I--" He catches each kiss, both of his lips catching the bow of Marcus's upper, and presses their foreheads together. "I'd like to sit down. I'd like a little of your weight on me."

Even before Darrow, that wouldn't have been such a hard thing for Marcus to believe, the idea of there being other worlds, but ever since having met Verity and hearing all the stories she had to tell about things he'd done and ways he'd helped her family -- stories he still doesn't remember having happened -- he doesn't doubt it for a second. Maybe out there is some world where he and Dan find each other in a different way. What he cares about most is that they've found each other here.

He's nodding carefully, keeping his forehead pressed to Dan's as he does, then lets both his hands fall to Dan's hips. Taking one step forward, he nudges Dan back gently from the door, then has to finally look up, if only to make sure he's not going to walk them into anything.

Finally, stealing one more kiss, he pulls away more completely and grins. "Come on," he says, walking toward the couch. "Before I trip over my own damn feet trying to get us there."

That Marcus can treat him so gently, so carefully, is a source of amazement to Dan, and it turns him into absolute putty as he follows Marcus along to the couch.

"I'd catch you," Dan says easily, and once he's on the couch, he's reaching up for Marcus, pulling him down so he's close-- very close, overlapping, able to press Dan back into the corner of the couch.

He wants to be this close; he wants to be closer.

If it weren't for how mind-blowing each little step has been, he might push for faster.

Three words. That's all it takes for Marcus to feel as if Dan has pulled open something inside of him, something vulnerable that he's kept well hidden for a very long time. For his entire life, no one has ever really taken care of him, certainly not his parents, certainly not the Church, and to have it offered so casually now nearly stops his breath.

It feels like too much to say, especially on a first date, so rather than replying verbally, Marcus just sinks onto the couch with Dan. He braces one hand on the arm of the couch, but then rests his weight against Dan, along his side, half on top of him.

This is different than the nights they'd spent in his bed. This has intention and he grins a little, a shy expression, before he presses in for another kiss.

An emotional reaction like that doesn't go unnoticed, but it doesn't frighten Dan, or make him want to back off in the slightest. He understands; there hasn't been anyone to take care of him since the Overlook.

That it seems so possible now is staggering.

He answer it all with a soft sigh, like the relief of an itch scratched, as Marcus settles next to him, leans against him. The fleeting image of those nights spent wrapped around each other only reinforce how much he wants that again, only with this too. His mouth opens up under Marcus's, and he lets himself go into the kiss like he's been wanting.

It's not that he's been waiting for this all night, he loves spending time with Dan even without getting to hold his hand or kiss him, but Marcus has to admit there's a deep tremor of anticipation that shivers through him when they kiss again. Dan's mouth is soft and warm and Marcus explores curiously with the tip of his tongue at first, not hesitant, but slow. Enjoying the experience.

His heart is thundering. His fingertips are tingling. He sucks gently at Dan's lower lip and another shiver ripples down his spine.

This could easily get out of hand, but Marcus takes every moment as a slow exploration, learning things about Dan and the way he moves. The way he tastes. Even the way he breathes.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only